Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
Director: Steven Spielberg
Stars: Harrison Ford, Shia LaBeouf, Karen Allen, Ray Winstone and Cate Blanchett
I’m going to go over my notes, which I started taking about three minutes into this film as I watched it on DVD last night: these notes are entitled, “Let Me Get This Straight”.
· A bunch of Russians infiltrate a U.S. Air Force Base in 1957 Nevada right before a test of a nuclear bomb is set to take place. They do this by killing two guards in front of the facility.
· Indiana Jones (Ford) is taken out of the trunk of one of these Russian’s cars: their leader, this Betty Page wig-wearing woman named Irina (Blanchett) tries to read Indy’s mind (see Note 1). You see, Indiana Jones has been betrayed and handed over to these Russians by his friend Mac (Winstone). Apparently, Mac and Indy went on thirty OSS missions together during WWII.
· After Indiana Jones escapes the Russians on the U.S. Air Force Base, he walks to a nearby town. There, he hears a countdown begin from somewhere, shuts himself into a lead refrigerator – and survives a nuclear bomb blast/test, despite the fact the refrigerator is thrown several miles by said blast. Mr. Jones has no broken bones. Still with me?
· Shia LaBeouf is introduced to us exactly as Marlon Brando in The Wild One. On a motorcycle. With a goofy hat on his head. Donning a leather jacket. His name is Mutt (see Note 2).
· After getting acquainted at a 1950s soda shop, Indy and Mutt (Shia) notice that they are being trailed by KGB agents: they lose the agents by driving through Indy’s college campus library on Mutt’s motorcycle. Should I repeat that for you?
· Then, Mutt & Indy go to Indy’s house because It’s impossible the KGB would think of looking for them there.
· Indiana Jones and Mutt (see Note 3) – along with Mutt’s motorcycle – take the long plane ride to Peru, where Mutt’s Mom has been kidnapped along with one of Indy’s old professor-type friends regarding an ancient civilization. Oh! And Mac has somehow followed them there.
· When Indy and Mutt go to this ancient civilization’s untouched tomb, they get attacked by mini-Capoiera fighters with poison darts. Indy kills one of these mini-fighters, and I guess the others picked up their poison dart guns and went home.
· Shia gets stung by a big ol’ scorpion: nothing happens.
· Indiana Jones takes a huge alien crystal skull out of a grave and whispers, “Unbelievable.” You got that right, brother.
· The Russians are waiting with Mac right outside the grave. They take the crystal skull and Mutt & Indy to a remote camp site in the forest – where several of the Russian soldiers dance like Russians around the campfire. You know, with the folded arms in front and the squatting legs kicking out from time to time?
· Mutt’s Mom is Marian, from Raiders of the Lost Ark: Indiana Jones is the only one surprised by this revelation.
· Mutt shoves a couple of Russians into a table and lights a tent on fire, allowing Indy, Marian, the old professor Oz and Mutt to escape the other hundreds of Russians in the camp.
· Ten feet away from camp, Marian and Indy fall into something like quicksand, but not really quicksand. While the old professor named “Oz” and Mutt go “look for help”, Marian has a chance to tell Indy that Mutt is actually his son. Indy is the only one surprised by this revelation.
· They pull Indy out of the not-quicksand using a live, huge snake.
· The foursome (Mutt, Indy, Marian & Oz) are put in the back of a truck with the proverbial Austin Powers sponsored “One Russian Guard”. They overpower him.
· Let me skip over some of the following action with several key words: Rocket Launcher, Fencing, Tarzan-esque swinging upon the vines (amongst monkeys), Giant Ants, all topped off with 50+ year old Indiana Jones fighting very well against a much younger and bigger Russian thug.
· And the big reveal – Mac has been playing the Russians all along. This was a relief to me, that he’s actually still on Indy’s side. Thank heavens, I knew I liked Mac!
· The foursome drives an amphibious vehicle off of a cliff and onto a tree – which gently bends to drop them into a river where they fall over not one, not two, but three giant waterfalls.
· See Note 4
· I just can’t describe this next scene other than to say a bunch of Brazilian kids jump out of a wall and start chasing the foursome. The crystal skull somehow saves them.
· Betty Page – excuse me, Irina (Blanchett) – starts following the foursome again because they had a – wait for it – homing device on them the whole time! Oh, those tricky, devious KGB!
· Indiana Jones, always the archaeologist, has found the place they’re supposed to go into to return the crystal skull. OK, so how does he decide to get into the room? BY BASHING THE PRICELESS DOOR DOWN WITH A ROCK – and encouraging the rest of the now five-some to do so! Like I said, always the archaeologist.
· Indy and Marian suddenly have the urge to kiss. Mutt interrupts them.
· Betty Page (screw it) and the four Russian Army guys who have survived all of this somehow, they kill all those Brazilian kids I told you about. Then, Betty and the Russians find yet another homing device! Wait a minute… what’s going on here?
· Dammit, Mac is ACTUALLY still with Betty Page and the Russians! I was really disappointed in his character at this point.
· They all put the crystal skull back on the alien in a really private room with 13 other alien bodies all sitting in a circle – and it comes alive, one of the aliens I mean.
· Mac runs into the other room and puts a bunch of jewelry around his neck (See Note 5).
· Oz, who has only uttered gibberish so far, can suddenly speak very well indeed.
· The remaining Russian Army guys get sucked into an alien portal. As in, to another dimension. Betty Page inexplicably does not. The alien that came alive is now looking at her.
· Indy, Marian, Oz and Mutt decide it’s time to go, so they run into the other room where Mac is still putting jewelry on himself. Indy, always the good pal, tries to save Mac! Truly! But Mac decides to throw himself into the portal I told you about instead.
· The remaining foursome get back to the surface somehow (I was putting the dishes in the sink, sorry): the alien ship flies away and the waterfall that I told you about earlier, it spills over and covers the alien ship’s tracks – so no one’s the wiser. Those are some pretty crafty aliens.
· Marian and Indiana Jones get married in a really bright church – and here’s the worst part in the movie – Mutt ALMOST PUTS INDIANA JONES’ HAT ON! Who does he think he is?
Final Thoughts
The whipped cream on this sundae is that this film made $317 Million dollars in this country, making it the 27th highest grossing film in the U.S. ever. It made over $469 Million dollars worldwide. It is only a matter of time before Mutt takes over the franchise. I’m sure I’ll watch this upcoming film as long as I’m assured that Mutt will keep his mitts off of Indy’s fedora! Stick to Brando’s biker cap, kid. And now, dear Reader, if you’ll allow me to put the proverbial cherry on this sundae for you: my sources tell me that this latest installment in the Indiana Jones franchise took years and years to produce because of Harrison Ford’s apprehension towards the script. Just didn’t feel right to Mr. Ford. What was the storyline to version number twenty? Indy goes on an Apollo mission with the whole family?
Note 1: I am not making any of this up. Seriously, each of these bullets is as I observed it last night.
Note 2: Just to reiterate, I am not making this up.
Note 3: that was honestly Shia’s character’s name, Mutt. Truly!
Note 4: I really don’t want to continue but I’ve already gone this far, so I’m going to finish this.
Note 5: I am still not making this up.